The Aftermath of Parenthood

by Carol

In Tuesday's post, Leigh wondered why her attitude about summer is changing as her kids change. I responded that the hard and wonderful part of motherhood is that the kids are always changing. With more thought I'll add that the goals are always changing. The surrounds are always changing. and the times are always changing. And guess what? All that means that you are always changing - whether you want to or not.

Now, I am not insinuating that bringing up a new puppy is anywhere near on a par with bringing up children, but I have been noticing lately that it is highlighting a different me. I have brought up three puppies in my adult life. I have never attended a puppy training class, hired a dog-walker or bought anything but grocery store food. I let them play around me as I gardened, let them out the back door at night for a quick pee, and bought whatever leash the local pet store carried. And they all have been wonderful canine citizens, living long and happy lives with my family.

But now, with my kids grown and a new puppy on board, I am nervous about doing things right. Perhaps this is because despite having a veterinarian father and having brought up  three dogs and 5 cats, two pet adoption agencies turned me down because I work! They were adamant about puppies needing several small meals throughout the day, special food and lots more attention than a working person can give them. I know these people's hearts are in the right places, but I feel that is a bit extreme (since most of America works, and these potential adoptees were living in cages).  Yet it planted self-doubt. I guess the advice is always changing. Perhaps this is just a part of the high maintenance culture now. (I mean, do you ever remember your mother having regular manicures and pedicures?) The times too are always changing.

But I think its also me who has  changed. When you have been a parent; when you have lived a few more years, you have seen a few more things. You realize the value of precaution, and also the frailty of it. You see the potential situations carry for both harm and good. You truly understand the trust that a young soul puts in you, and the importance of unconditional love in each life (and in the world). When you have survived "putting down" a few best friends, you realize that you have truly made a "cradle to grave" commitment. You also realize, like Leigh did last week, what a miracle it is to watch a life develop, how very quickly the time passes and how every moment of joy must be savored. And how very lucky those of us are who were brought up by loving parents

So this isn't really a post about puppies.....Happy Father's Day!

One Thing, One Time

by Carol

You all know that I have a habit of listening to podcasts. Like  a good book, a good podcast can just take me away into thought. I often listen to them as I fall asleep, or when I am sleepless. I have recently discovered a wonderful one. Dear Sugar Radio is a podcast that resulted from a Portland, Oregon public radio show that features Steve Almond (essayist and short story writer) and Cheryl Strayed ( author of the recent novel Wild, among others.) In it each week they take on letters from readers asking for help with problems, Ann Landers style.  Well, I want to say Ann Landers style - but these two people are so empathetic, well spoken, intelligent and forthcoming, that their advice becomes more like a study of humanity. Each episode I have listened to is better than the previous one, covering all topics. Since they are both writers, they include thoughts beautifully expressed, quotes from literature, life lessons generously shared, and lots of kindness and intention. I'm hooked.

In recent years, I have made progress on diminishing my natural leaning towards worrying. When my daughter recently traveled to Paris right after the attacks, I actually succeeded ( for the most part) in not worrying when she was there. I simply decided that it was out of my control, and not worth putting my energy into. Can I do this all the time now? No, I can't - but I definitely felt like I took a huge step forward. So I was drawn to a recent episode of this podcast where the listener questioned how he could stop dwelling on things. He and those in his life recognized that his habit of dwelling was not good for him, but he didn't know how to stop. 

Steve took the first shot at it, suggesting that the things we dwell on in life are important because they have real meaning for us.  He said "when you see things in your suggestion box over and over again," those are the very things you should be "thinking about, making art about, seeing a therapist about," or simply doing whatever you have to do to discover their meaning in your life. He maintained that children are not the least embarrassed to dwell on things and will ask the same question, read the same book, over and over again until they have mastered an idea. He believes we are socialized ( or I would say "busyed" out of ) such intense consideration.

Cheryl then agreed but added a further  thought. She said while she often seeks the roots of things in order to solve them, she also recognizes that there are times when you must make an effort to just stop being "that you." She suggests that it is impossible to do that completely - and we shouldn't ask that of ourselves. There are certain aspects of our personalities that are really deep parts of us and will always be there. However, if we seek to lessen certain things, we can make changes little by little. The first step is awareness - becoming truly conscious of what you are doing in the moment ( there is that intention that we are always seeking again!) But then she suggests this wonderful idea - "doing one thing different - one time". ..."When you do it one time, it gives you the ability to do it one more time." Allow yourself to consciously enjoy "that one moment when you improved your character...for that is what change is made of." 

So I am proud of myself for putting the worry away that one time. I am sure I will begin to worry about something again soon - old habits die hard , and a predisposition to worry is in my bones, I'm afraid. But it's also true that  I now feel capable of putting it away. The next time I start to worry, I am going to consciously remember that recent experience, and I will intentionally review in my mind the idea that it is out of my hands, and that life will go on no matter what transpires. If the worst happens, I will have to find a way to deal with it - what else can I do? And if it doesn't - then what a waste of time all that worrying would have been! And I will put my energies into thinking about the roots of my predisposition, meditating on it, making art about it  - keeping myself busy with creative thoughts rather than destructive ones - putting myself "in the way of beauty." Worriers among us - want to join me?

" There is a sunrise and a sunset every day, and you can choose to be there for it - you can put yourself in the way of beauty."



(Cheryl Strayed quoting her mother's favorite saying)

Goodbye doesn't always mean, the end . . .

by Kim

"I wanted a perfect ending, Now I've learned, the hard way,

that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a

clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing,

having to change, taking the moment and making the best

of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."

- Gilda Radner

Honestly, I'm having a really hard time finding the right words. What to share, what not to.

I too have learned the hard way, as all of us have at one point or another, that life doesn't always wax poetic. That sometimes the chapters we find ourselves in are, well, just not the ones we pictured ourselves starring in. It doesn't mean that the entire book isn't a good one, just that we might have to make some minor adjustments. Not to the book, but with ourselves.

As some of you may know, my son has a chronic illness, a rare type of juvenile arthritis (SOJIA). The last two years have been challenging to say the least, with its ups and downs and several hospitalizations due to complications. And right now I'm struggling to juggle everything.

That's why I've had to make the decision that for now I need to allow myself a little more breathing room. After over three years of sharing photography and thoughts about life here with this incredible community, sadly this will be my last regular post. There have been some recent developments with my son that are making it harder to show up with any kind of inspiration.

I went down memory lane this last week and read some of my posts from the last three years and am taking away with me some of my own advice as I exit stage left (or is it right?) and maybe something might speak to you as well.


To give myself permission to redefine choices of what is and what is not absolutely necessary.

That happiness is accepting where I am, and when I observe what is in front of me I will still be able to see joy dancing.

To make time for nothing, it's where peace and tranquility resides.

That in chaos, life depends on being able grow where I land (or where I'm thrown).

To pay attention to metaphors through my lens, life is constantly teaching me a lesson if I'm willing to listen.

To start out each day with something agreeable, like a rose, and not a thistle.

Focus on the gift of today, it has no shelf life.

Do not take for granted that gratitude can lead me through a day.

To remember that sometimes the more I chase things, the less likely I am to find it.

I am going to allow myself to be in the stillness of a space without a plan.

That art can be used for healing. That pain can be turned into something beautiful. To see the silver lining in the things that feel so hard.

To remember to look a little harder, to take a little extra time, to dig down deep, to find the good in the places that are the most difficult.

And I'm going to do my best to continue looking for beauty beneath the gray days, knowing that there is always something shimmering like gold somewhere.


"Never say goodbye because
goodbye means going away
and going away means
forgetting." -Peter Pan


To this fabulous community of creatives, and to my FOL sisters, it has been a privilege to be a contributor here. I am grateful for our time spent together and our friendships, and for your support. Focusing on Life continues to be such a great platform for sharing our lives and our art and I will still be one of your biggest fans.

So, I'm not going to say goodbye. Just see ya 'round.

Love, Kim xo

Trust the process...

by Kim

"The poetry of the earth is never dead."

- John Keats

No, the poetry of the earth is never dead, but sometimes it may appear that way. Sometimes it just mimics a dead leaf that just hasn't dropped from the clutches of a branch.

But then, if you pay really close attention to the subtle details you realize there is so much to hear. So much that exists well beyond what we consider to be silence.

Because beyond that silence, beyond what we can see with our eyes, things are happening. A million beautiful things are going on around us. . . moment by precious moment.

Under all the layers, that stretch far outside the limits of our busy lives.

Beyond comprehension really. Awe inspiring, mind blowing stuff.

And the more time I spend observing, and not just being in it but living with it, the more balanced and at peace I become.

I know it sounds so cliche, but nature continues to be that place, that for me, is so miraculous just in the confines of how intricately it all works together, how connected it is to itself. A place of complete awe and wonder even if it's experiencing a butterfly emerge for literally over the 1000th time!

A place where life happens even when it appears there is none....and yet still teaches me to trust the process.

"There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
  There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
  There is a society, where none intrudes,
  By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
  I love not man the less, but Nature more."
  - George Gordon

{This is a polydamas swallowtail that has been over wintering inside my house since late last August and just emerged a week ago. We can trust that Mother Nature knows her business, and this is indeed a sign that spring is arriving. You can see a video of this one emerging from its long winters nap on instagram - kimatpickingpoppies - I had trouble getting it to focus at a nano-seconds notice and as it goes with nature there are no re-takes}

Have a great day,
Kim

A New Season

by Judy

Change. It's a word that can strike fear in many of us. Most of us think that change is hard.  Change can be painful and frightening.  We know what works and we can get complacent in our comfortable space.  Change makes us confront the unknown, and that thought alone can keep us from moving forward...even if that change will bring something that we've dreamed of, or something that we know will be better for us.  

Sometimes change is sudden and we are thrust into a world that we are unfamiliar with. That's hard - really, really hard. But many times change is a process, where we can take one small step at a time to get to where we want, or need, to be.  And many times, we still resist - because it's just too hard.  

What if nature decided it was comfortable in its present stage?  What if, God forbid, nature decided it was just too hard to change from winter to spring?  What if spring never came?  What if the green buds stayed safely tucked away in their dormant state, never to show their fresh new leaves because they were afraid?

What if the grass didn't try to push through the hard ground because it was just too hard to try?  Or what if those tiny crocuses remained underground, protected and safe in their cozy bulbs? When faced with change, what if we looked at it as a new season, as a spring, bursting forth with new life, and fresh beginnings?

Yes, change is hard, but with change comes personal growth.  Every time things change in our lives we learn something new - about ourselves, or those around us.  About what we can handle, and how well we do that. We can look at ourselves in a new way and think, "wow, I didn't know I could do that!"

Embracing change helps us adapt in different situations.  When small changes happen, they won't automatically bring fear and trepidation to our lives. And change can, and does, many times, bring improvements in our lives.  At first we may not see them, or look at it that way, but with time, we know that without change we'd be stagnant and bored. The more we embrace, and look for change in our lives, the easier change becomes... even when faced with sudden, sometimes traumatic changes. We can learn to adapt and move forward more easily.

So as we welcome the first signs of spring - the changes in the air, the warmth of the sun, and the buds and blooms popping up, ask yourself.....do I need a change but have been afraid to take the next step? Have you always dreamed of doing something but have been held back by fear of change?  Try to see change in your life as a new season - a spring - bursting forth with fresh starts and renewal... Be brave and take that first baby step.