Life Isn't All About Pretty Cups and Mugs

Today instead of focusing on things that make me happy like traveling, pretty cups and mugs, photography, etc. I want to share with you a story, a happening, a time in my life that you may relate to with a similar experience.  

It was a Friday evening in early March.  I remember I took a bath earlier and planned to spend the evening relaxing in my PJ's.  For some reason I began to feel my breasts, which I do on occasion just checking for any lumps, bumps or perhaps things that shouldn't be there.  There it was, a lump on my right breast, up high, but definitely there.  A wave of panic filled my body and I just stood there, shaking, feeling it again hoping the second time it would be gone and it would just have been my imagination.  But no, it was still there, definitely there.  My heart was beating so loud I thought surely my husband could hear it, but no, thank God.  He was in the early stages of Alzheimer's at this time and I certainly didn't want to panic him unnecessarily.  But oh crap, it was Friday night and my doctor would not be in until Monday morning.  How am I going to live through the weekend with this hanging over my head, or better said, this on my breast?

Saturday came and went in a daze.  Sunday I was on my knees in church praying, praying, praying that all would be OK, trying to be brave, singing the hymns, greeting those around me, but all the while thinking only of one thing...that thing.  On my knees, looking up at the crucifix of Christ, seeing him suffering on the cross, a peace washed over me.  Difficult to explain that sensation, but it was like having a burden lifted from my shoulders.  The feeling didn't last long, and perhaps it was only wishful thinking but never-the-less there was this unexplainable peaceful sensation that filled me up, that buoyed me on.

Monday morning 9:00 AM I was on the phone to my doctor explaining to the receptionist my story with my voice cracking and shaking, filled with fear.  It obviously came through loud and clear because the next thing I knew I was on the way to the doctor's office.  Up on the table, her hands feeling the spot, shaking her head in agreement, my panic began to rise.  The peaceful feeling I had felt yesterday was long gone.  Her first reaction was to get me into the hospital for a mammogram ASAP, but they were full-up with no openings until Tuesday.  Not wanting to wait even a day, she called her second choice and found a spot if I could get there quickly.  I had managed to go to the doctor's by myself, but getting the mammogram I felt I needed the support of my husband.  Arriving and leaving him in the waiting room, I whispered to the receptionist that my husband had dementia, would she please keep an eye on him as I walked through the doors alone.

Mammogram completed, the Radiologist came in to talk to me.  Heart again beating so loud it was difficult hearing her words.  After all the technical talk, the bottom line was that she felt that it could "be" something and that I should have "it" taken care of ASAP.  Panic again rising, she made a phone call to a surgeon that specializes in breast surgeries to make me an appointment again, ASAP.  Driving home with my husband, I could see tears rolling down his cheeks, telling me he should be the brave one, but what would he do without me?  So what did I do, turn to him and begin to comfort him.  That definitely took my panic away, now the focus was on him and not me.  Sounds weird, but it helped.

The next day I was in the surgeon's office with him also agreeing that I should have this taken care of ASAP and now the panic returned big time.  Now I have my doctor, the Radiologist, and the surgeon all telling me to get this taken care of ASAP.  That doesn't bode well for a happy ending.  Surgery is scheduled for Friday morning, my birthday.  Happy Birthday, Deanna.  Wednesday and Thursday were blurs.  My friend, Marti, took me to lunch sometime that week, can't remember if it was for my birthday or because she was feeling my panic.  The rest of the time I prepared physically and spiritually.

Friday came, surgery completed, all OK but no results until Monday.  What....Monday?....another period of extended panic and waiting.  We went home, I stayed close to the bed and sent Gary to the grocery store to pick up frozen dinners and canned soup.  Two things I thought he could handle and he did, sort of.  Thank God a couple of friends dropped off food.  I read a book most of the weekend to keep my mind focused on something other than "it".  Saturday and Sunday, two days that had always been my favorite days of the week, now for the last 2 weekends have been my most unfavorite.   The clock seemed to drag....tick tock tick tock.

Monday, the day of reckoning.  Today I would find out if I could breathe a sigh of relief or begin treatment for breast cancer.  My hands trembling I reached for the phone to make that call, the receptionist said, "oh no, you were not supposed to call, the Doctor will call you when he has the results."  Oh crap, now more waiting.  The phone didn't ring until after 1:00 PM.  Caller ID identified the call as coming from the surgeon's office.  Taking a deep breath, I said "hello", it was the nurse, not the doctor, telling me all was fine, test results were negative.   OMG breathe, Deanna, breathe.  What had begun 10 days ago with an early bath and PJ's was now over.  A week from hell now elevated to a heavenly peace and thankfulness.

We women all have times in our lives where suddenly life throws us an unexpected curve-ball.  If you would like to share those times, you are welcome to.  We women need the support of others who have gone through similiar experiences.  Life isn't all about pretty cups and mugs.