Wednesday, May 2, 2012
When I was little I used to count down the days to my birthday. The day after my birthday I was already planning on what I wanted for my next birthday and what kind of party I was going to have. When I was in middle school I coudn't wait to be a teenager. When I was in high school I couldn't wait to graduate and go away to college. When I was in college I couldn't wait to meet the man of my dreams, graduate and start my new life. When I got married I couldn't wait to start a family. When my babies were little I couldn't wait for them to smile, sleep through the night, cut their first tooth, take their first steps and of course plan their first birthday party.
Well I can honestly say now that I don't want to look forward anymore. I don't want to hurry up just to have an important event pass right by in the blink of an eye. I want to slow down time and I need to do it NOW. All I keep hearing in my head over and over is "like sand through the hour glass...so are the days of our lives".
It's not only about getting older. Yes I'm in my late 30's now, but I'm ok with that for the most part. As the years go by I am discovering more about myself and that gives me a clarity I haven't had before. What upsets me is that precious moments are happening right in front of me and I'm scared that I won't remember them. I'm scared that they will fade away to a part of my mind that is not easily accessible. I might forget and that scares the crap out of me. Sometimes I feel as though I'm coasting along checking off my to do list for work, checking off my to do list at home and I'm lost in the monotony of it all. I get so fired up about marking things off the seemingly never ending list that I am not present. I'm wasting precious time making lists and marking things off. Wanna know what my biggest accomplishment was today? marking through 10 out of the 18 things on my work to do list. My mind was so cluttered with the I have to remember to do this...I can't forget to do this....I need to write this down....that I can't even tell you the name of the book my 5 year old read to me tonight. She read a book outloud to me by herself and I can't tell you what it was about. My mind was at capacity with the "have to's" that I forgot where I was. And I really want to kick myself for that.
Maybe that's why I take so many pictures. I want to be able to jog my memory so that I can remember the little moments that make up this life of mine. Do you feel like you are constantly trying to beat the clock? Do you find yourself watching the sands through the hourglass only tomake yourself more anxious about what you haven't gotten done? Please tell me I'm not alone. All I can do is my best and right now my best is not cutting it.
Labels: Leigh Love